Morocco

 Hello Africa! Tell me how you're doin'? My friend Karl-Henrik and I arrived in Marrakech in Morocco at night after a long day of flying with a stopover in Amsterdam in the Netherlands. It was my first time in Africa and the last continent to discover if you don't count Antarctica. We were welcomed by chaos in the traffic where a guy casually ate a sandwich at the same time as he almost crashed his motorcycle with no helmet on his head. He then drove against red light, parked in the middle of the junction and then started to drive against the traffic. It turned out he wasn't suicidal, it's just how they do it here.

When we arrived at the riad a guy quickly took my bag out of the truck and headed into an sketchy alleyway and I wasn't sure if he just stole my bag or worked for the riad. It turned out to be the latter one. We realized they have great photoshop skills in Morocco because the riad turned out to look nothing like the pictures. The linens were stained and the door to our room was protected only by a padlock which would take half a second to break if someone wanted to. Karl-Henrik wanted to change to a better hotel immediately and I totally understood why. But I tried to change mood and try to be positive and went for a bath in the cold pool with dead flies in it. The only thing I liked was the shower in the room which looked like it was made out of mud and you could sit down in it. 

The next day we tried to make it become a more positive experience after the first culture shock has faded away and we went to the Jewish Cemetery which was a pleasant surprise. The white and small tombstones made it look unique and the majestic Atlas mountains could be seen in the distance. We turned into tourist mode and visited Bahia Palace, Badi Palace and Saadian Tombs but there wasn't much to be impressed by. A lunch break at what we thought was Café Kasbah made me realize that the food was bad, and when we left we saw the real Café Kasbah so we probably got fooled. We went out from one of the many beautiful gates in the city and headed up to the Koutoubia mosque and since we couldn't enter it since we're not muslims we headed to the park nearby. It was both nice and had an eerie vibe to it. The locals seemed to enjoy their day but I couldn't see any other tourists so we got a lot of attention and that's not always a good thing. 

When a guy who looked as he was up to no good walked towards us we left to go to the famous market square Jemaa el-Fna to hide amongst the snake charmers who mistreats the snakes to get money out of tourists. The snakes constantly tried to attack the guy who tried to make them pissed to stand up for photos. A guy came by and jiggled a hat on his head and got upset when I didn't want to pay for "the show". I really needed a break from it all so we headed up to a rooftop and I drank a virgin mojito and watched the madness from a distance, that was a much better feeling. On the way back to the riad we stopped by Henna Art Café, not to get a toxic tattoo but to eat some horrible food. I had never had bad falafel before.

The next day we went out in the wilderness and the amazing views from the Atlas mountains. It was the highlight of the trip and we ended up in Ouarzazate, or Ouarzawood as they also call it since it's Africa's version of Hollywood. We visited a cinema museum near the film studios and it was pretty fun to walk around the sets even though I doubt the authenticity of some of the stuff they claimed had been in movies and TV-series. Some of the stuff looked really fake and they had no problems with tourists climbing in and out of it.

The visit to the nearby Aït Benhaddou was supposed to be the highlight of my trip to Morocco. It's a fortified village along the former caravan route between the Sahara desert and Marrakesh. The clay architecture gives it a unique look but our guide took us the wrong way to experience the best part of it. He was focused on getting to the top of it so we just saw the view out from it instead of seeing the actual ksar. It was like standing in the Eiffel Tower and watching the surroundings without having seen the tower. I tried to make him give me a chance to view it from down the river but he didn't seem to know the way and we just got lost in bushes and I never got the full experience of it. I will give him A for effort though.

Before we made the trip to Morocco I told Karl-Henrik I would go to the Jardin Majorelle, a garden that hosts French fashion designer Yves Saint Laurents former home in Morocco and nowadays also a berber museum. Nearby is also an YSL museum which included an art exhibition by american painter Cy Twombly at the time we were there. My friend wasn't sure he would wanna join so I bought a ticket to make sure I would get in, and on the same day as the visit he decided he would join but he couldn't find a ticket for the same time. So we would go there on different occasions by ourselves. It was an alright experience, nothing special, but I might would have enjoyed the garden if it wasn't overcrowded by tourists, me included. When I waited for Karl-Henrik to finish his tour I ate a pizza at a restaurant where the outdoor seating smelled like a mix of car fumes and horse shit. So I went inside after some weird mosquito or something bit my foot. The place was full of flies and the waiter had like two teeth left in his mouth and I just got the feeling that hygiene wasn't on the priority list. But I will leave you with a cliffhanger.

We went down to Seven Saints of Marrakesh which was supposed to be a monument for seven historical Muslim figures buried in the city. But it turned out to be more of a taxi stand and the beginning of the famous street markets in the Medina. It was the maze everybody says it is and we couldn't find our way out and walked passed the same stuff four times even though we took different routes. My friend bought a carpet from a street vendor and then we met a guy sitting outside a museum willing to help us find our way. Karl-Henrik also asked him if he knew an ATM close by. When the guy wanted to show the way and it wasn't like 100 meters away I told my friend we should abort this mission because you shouldn't let a stranger guide you in the Medina. And I would have actually left if I just knew how to get out of there because I immediately had a really bad feeling about this. He guided us to the ATM and started saying we now must follow him to his dads carpet shop to pay respect. And then he took us to the part where there are no tourists and just locals. And when he then wanted to take us even further away into what looked like an almost deserted alley I refused to go any further. It was obvious this would turn out to be an attempt to rob us so Karl-Henrik thanked him for "his help" but we would now go on our own. He got really upset and told us to fuck off and stormed off. 

It was horrible to be lost in the maze of street markets without knowing what he would be capable of doing. He probably had allies there so I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible before anything bad would happen. It's not that hard to recognize an almost 2 meters tall red haired guy with glasses in Morocco. When we finally got out of there thanks to some helpful shop keepers I was so reliefed. On our way back to the hotel someone screamed some homophobic slur at us since he believed we were a couple. And I joked the carpet that Karl-Henrik had bought must have been cursed since everything went downhill since then. We could finally get some peace and mind in the hotel, or so we thought until someone tried to break in through our door in the middle of the night. At the same time I had started to have a feeling of having a constant fist in my stomache and I thought it must because of all the stress.

It turned out I had been food poisoned and if you remember where I left you with a cliffhanger at the filthy restaurant, well now you know the end of that story. It was horrible to be sick and travel for 4 hours in a van to the coastal town of Essaouria, but at least I was happy to leave Marrakech and we would also get to see goats in the trees on the way there. 

I couldn't really enjoy the experience when we arrived but it was lik a bad version of Greece and had a more laid back attitude with some bohemian people and even goth girls who managed to stay pale in 35 degrees. We saw the famous blue fisherman boats in the harbour but weren't allowed to enter the fortress where there's a hole in the wall that gives a perfect overlook of the old town. Once again Morocco let me down and we went to another side of the town where Game Of Thrones had been shooting some scenes at the old city walls. I ended up paying almost 19 euro for a meal I couldn't finish at the roof terrace of Café Taros because I was so sick by then. After sitting and enjoying the vast beach area it was a relief to have been escaping the claustrophobic feeling of Marrakesh but unfortunately it was time to get back again. On the way back we realized that the chaos in the traffic isn't so controlled as you might think, because a lifeless man lied in the middle of the road next to his motorbike and it was obvious he had been hit by a car. 

The next day I was so sick I could barely move but I only had two options, move or stay in Marrakech and it was an easy option. Being trapped inside an airplane in a small space when you feel you have no control over your body functions anymore isn't the most enjoyable moment I've ever had. When diarreah and puke came out at the same time at the height of 10 000 meters up in the air I knew I would never wanna go back to Africa again because it had been the worst trip of my life. But then I realized I had already booked a trip to Egypt...to be continued!

* Best things about Morocco – the views in the Atlas mountains are amazing and the Jewish Cemetery is worth a visit even if you're not jewish or a goth kid

* Most mediocre thing about Morocco – being at Aït Benhaddou without experiencing it from the right view and the garden Jardin Majorelle was alright

* Worst things about Morocco – well most things actually, the chaos, the noise, the smells, the filth, homophobia, animal cruelty, the food (both since it tastes bad and made me sick for days), the poverty, people wanna rip you off and gets aggressive when you won't let them, I could go on and on what's wrong with this place

Best countries in the world according to the nerd (will be updated with every post):

1. USA

2. The Bahamas

3. Croatia

4. Montenegro

5. Andorra

6. Cyprus

7. Grenada

8. Turkey

9. Greece

10. Italy

11. Spain

12. Monaco

13. Malta

14. Jamaica

15. Netherlands

16. Belize

17. Panama

18. Saint Lucia

19. Iceland

20. Denmark

21. Sweden

22. Lithuania

23. Macedonia

24. Armenia

25. Mexico

26. Portugal

27. Dominica

28. Hungary

29. Slovakia

30. Belarus

31. Slovenia

32. Austria

33. Russia

34. Barbados 

35. New Zealand

36. Ireland

37. Germany

38. United Kingdom

39. Belgium

40. Poland

41. Saint Kitts & Nevis

42. Vatican City

43. Estonia

44. Czech Republic

45. Switzerland

46. San Marino

47. Honduras

48. Colombia

49. Costa Rica

50. Kosovo

51. Romania

52. Finland

53. Latvia

54. Azerbaijan

55. Georgia

56. Saint Vincent And The Grenadines 

57. Antigua & Barbuda

58. Moldova

59. Norway

60. Ukraine

61. France

62. Bulgaria

63. Luxembourg

64. Liechtenstein

65. Trinidad And Tobago

66. China

67. Serbia 

68. Bosnia And Herzegovina

69. Albania

70. Morocco